Fancy a bit of Rumpy-pumpy?
One night stands. Exciting, dangerous, erotic, disappointing, regrettable, fanciful little delights. Yes, we’ve all had them. No use denying it ladies, as you hide behind your cups of tea and your lovely flowing dresses – we all know of the naughty underwear and joining suspenders that lurk beneath 
.
There have been many a name for the ladies that like to dabble in the naughty business we speak of. Sluts, whores, all of them degrading.. I like to call them normal.. human. Is it really wrong to participate in a mutual, enjoyable and consensual act of sex with someone that wants exactly the same? No, I personally don’t think so.. but what do you think?
There are many a kind of one night stands, the kind you pay for, the kind you regret, the kind you wanted, the kind you needed, the kind you will always remember, the kind you can’t remember and the kind you wish you could forget – yeah, you know what I’m talking about ladies, and so on and so forth. The most common three, I believe, to be the following:
1. The Lust-cake.
Good title huh? I’m here all week. So, this is the one night stand you find yourself having after a night out, or anything where alcohol may be present, or just with someone you know and fancy it with. You may meet or know a beautiful lady and you hit it off. Through your beer-goggled eyes and alcohol fumed breath nothing sounds better than a night of shared passion, why not? We’re drunk, we’re horny, we’re together, we obviously find each other attractive, how about a bit of rumpy-pumpy? And voila – a one night stand. Beautiful. No strings attached. FUN.
2. The Dumb-fuck.
Now this can come about from the same dangerous poison of alcohol or indeed the even more deadly.. emotional instability, but whatever the cause, it approaches.. like a lamb to the slaughter.. your drunken dumb-fuck. This could be with a total stranger or somebody you already know, perhaps you’re friends, perhaps you’re not but you know they like you.. you’re drunk and/or feeling emotional and they offer their sympathy/company. You jump on them, foolishly and voila.. a dumb-fuck and totally regrettable one night stand.
3. The Fantasy Fuck.
You should probably prepare yourself with wine, chocolates and a hideously depressing playlist for this one. This is the fuck you’ve always wanted and will forever regret. The fuck of all fucks to fuck it up. The fuck most worthy of the word.. could i say fuck any more? Fuck. Anyway, back to it.. this usually comes about when you find yourself in the company of someone you find to be too good to be true, beautiful, witty and completely unobtainable. Sharks circling the water just looking for their prey. They lure you into a sense of false hope with promises and compliments and “you’re different’s” but do not be fooled.. You’ll have your fantasy fuck and they will swim off in search of their next victim, leaving you behind without a care. Voila – Fantasy fuck one night stand complete.
So, yes, some one night stands can be completely torturous, but only if you let yourself fall in to that ever so tempting trap door. On the whole, if you go about it the right way, one night stands can be the pinnacle of pleasure, a welcome treat for both involved, an escape and an adventure. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of pleasure once in a while girlies, go wild, let your hair down, have some fun and don’t be afraid to do so! It’s the 21st century, and man am I loving it 
Desperately Seeking Lesbians
When moving on, finding new beginnings and setting off on new adventures we never really think about how much the new environment and people that inhabit it with us will effect our lives. I for one have just moved to London to start a belated course in Drama. Now, before I moved here I would travel up and spend a lot of my time here anyway, for gigs, for friends, for lesbian and gay bars and company that have always been so thriving in London! So, when I found the perfect course for me at Kingston University of Southwest London I ofcourse jumped at the opportunity.. LONDON! The endless pit of gorgeous girls and me, the willing candidate for all of their experimental needs, this is going to be a great 3 years! .. Or so I thought.
True, it’s been just under two weeks and that’s not really enough time to explore and sus everything and everyone out.. find all of the places where I can get my fix.. feed my addiction.. find some bloody lesbians! But this is getting tedious. I’m not used to going this long without any gay company or attention, it’s quite hard really. I found myself still awake and still a little tipsy from a night out with friends at 6am saturday, crying in my bed feeling like a little lonely and ashamed lesbian again. I rooted through a bag of leaflets from the freshers fair i had attended earlier that day, desperately trying to find the LGBT leaflet i’d picked up in the hopes that there would be a contact number on it, someone to talk too but with no success. I settled, quite stupidly, on phoning an ex.. awkwardly crying down the phone for a few seconds and then hanging up.. I then continued to BBM her and invited her to come up and stay.. probably not the best of ideas.. Well done you silly little confused lesbian. Perhaps I need to make a poster, maybe some accompanying flyers and litter them around campus ‘Desperately seeking Lesbians – Contact: 07777777777′ – You didn’t REALLY think i’d put my number out there for all of you naughty little lesbians to call me at all hours for a little chat did you? .. Wait.. perhaps I should? You see? I’m loosing my cool! I’m literally coming on to my computer screen, this needs to stop.
How do you cope in situations like this? What would you do in my little shoes? Hold out, enjoy the beginning of uni and hope that the signals your sending out will be picked up on the universal gaydar and your prayers will be answered? I guess that’s the sane thing to do.. right? Although, whoever said we, the human race, are sane? We are merely mis-shapen balls of clay, every one of us, holding out for the perfect pair of hands to come and help mould us into the beautiful, shiny pots we were destined to be. But I will say this – thank GOD for online dating sites such as this one. I’m not sure how I would have coped these past two weeks without my beautiful online girls too converse with over the WWW. Always know that in times of need – there will always be singles warehouse and if you can’t find anyone on there, you can always revert back to this here blog I have just written with my lonely little lesbian hands and remember: Atleast i’m not that crazy fruit-loop, sitting there salvating over her own computer keys.
Oh hello, what sort of lesbian are we today?
Everybody acts differently around different people, it’s Human nature, but how far can you go before it turns into a case of hiding who you are? Especially in the gay society we feel we have to – not so much hide but.. reserve our sexualities around certain people, whether it be out of respect, uncertainty or even fear. I’m not a person that is afraid to share my sexual preferences with anyone and everyone, educate, humiliate and fight my corner but even I sometimes feel the atmosphere thicken and think twice about my loud and confident approach when the topic rears it’s head. I’ve been paying extra close attention to my many different Lesbian personalities over the last week or so and I’ve noticed the following.. (Beware, I’m going to name them.. after Disney princesses)
1. Snow White.
Snow White is my standard, everyday lesbian personality. She is cool, confident in her sexuality and likes to have a little perve on the lovely Ladies as she walks through London town (where she now lives.. Oh yes!) She doesn’t mind talking about this and sharing an occasional ‘Oooh look at that girl’s bum!’ with anyone that’s interested. She likes to think she’s in control of her other personalities but she is fooling herself, what a silly little lesbian.. she tries to avoid the little men that stalk her asking for kisses and apple pie on a daily basis.
2. Belle.
Belle is my excitable lesbian personality, she appears after Snow White has consumed a few of those naughty potions that are going around. She’ll fall in lust with anyone and anything, no matter how beastly, as long as they show an interest in her.. sometimes even if they don’t. Belle is overly confident about who she is, she’s not afraid of public displays of affection, likes to get dressed up and flaunt all that she is for the world to see. She’ll kiss you for no apparent reason and attempt to rip up a dancefloor with you.. even in a library if you fancy it. She’s quite strange really.. probably brought up by a crazy father.. named Maurice.. *moff moff* I’m such a joker.
3. Ariel.
Ariel is the personality that’s not so sure of herself.. ‘Do I want to be a lesbian today? I’m not so sure.. that guy’s quite nice looking.. perhaps I’ll live a sheltered life with him instead and forever be something that I’m not.’ She is easily swayed by the atmosphere around her, she can be straight for the night if you’d like her to be, just take her voice away and she’ll flap around awkwardly and silently like a fish out of water (get it HAR!), but she’ll be anything you want her to be.. anything as long as you don’t feel awkward.
4. Pocahontas
Pocahontas is completely and utterly hopeless.. She wants nothing more than someone to share her little lesbian life with, someone that she has things in common with, not the usual, acceptable bores that are the normal round her parts. She doesn’t really like to talk to anyone about these feelings so she’ll sit and talk to things such as animals and a willow tree instead, for they will never judge. Pocahontas loves to explore and go on adventures, sing beautiful little love songs and hope that, one day, you might notice her, come and save her from the lonely little world that she doesn’t want to be in anymore. Even when Pocahontas thinks she may have found this person it seems the world is against her and many a challenging obstacle are put in her way. But she will find love.. eventually.. and with the RIGHT person.. not that twat Pocahontas goes off with in the second film. Slut.
Everyone is a little schizophrenic.. a little wary to be completely themselves at all times, we all need lesbian princess personalities to fall back on should we need too. But who are we without them? Better or worse people? Each little aspect of each personality is me, but how much of it has been manufactured to make other people feel more comfortable? Should we be so worried about what other people think? I’m quite lucky in how proud and confident I am, but with even me falling back In to the reserved ‘Ariel’ from time to time, I worry about the young girls that are wanting their lesbian personalities to shine in todays forever judging society. I think it’s time for some lesbian princesses stories to be heard, don’t you?
Top 5 Typical Lesbian Cliches
We all know they’re out there, engraved into peoples minds. Everybody, upon meeting someone new, judges. Anyone that says otherwise is a liar – simple as. Now, I am not one of these people that carry a chip on their shoulder, far from it, but I have noticed just how much people believe and judge based on the typical lesbian cliches put out there, and i thought i should educate you and lay them to rest in the form of my ‘Top 5 Typical Lesbian Cliches.’ Enjoy.
Typical Lesbian Cliche Number 1:
The U-Haul
Why is it that everyone thinks that Lesbians are some sort of crazed, desperados in need of first-date commitment? There is nothing worse then a clingy partner, it’s the one quality in a person that puts me off most, so if all lesbians are like this then I must have been dating straight girls all this time, surely somebody could have warned me? We also don’t bring a turkey baster on the first date either.
Typical Lesbian Cliche Number 2:
The Boxer Shorts
There are two pairs of Boxer shorts in my collection. Two. One that I received free after taking a chlamydia test in my local wetherspoons (They were offering freebies, I was drunk, why the hell not?) and another that I wore home from an Ex’s after staying the night. Never in my life have I purposely gone out and bought a pair, sure I love a woman in Boxers, who doesn’t? But I certainly don’t feel the need to wear them at all times. ‘Hey! Is she gay?’ ‘I don’t know, ask what underwear she’s wearing.. A thong? No way. Straight as a ruler.’
Typical Lesbian Cliche Number 3:
The Pervert
Ok, this is the one that annoys me most. When I first came out to my classmates at the tender age of 13 it was like a flipped switch, suddenly every girl HAD to automatically be the object of my desires. ‘Be careful, don’t get changed infront of Forsythe! She likes girls you know! What a perve.’ I don’t care how good looking you and society think you are, I do not fancy your orange little ass, please get over yourself.
Typical Lesbian Cliche Number 4:
The Stereotype
From what i’ve been told, when most people think of Lesbians they think of a girl with short hair, in mens clothes, basically masquerading as a boy. You couldn’t be more wrong. I for one have long hair, i wear dresses, heels, make-up AND woman’s perfume – SHOCKER ALERT! The same as any straight woman. There are so many different types of lesbians we could be here all night describing them. Butch, femme, Lipstick lesbian, chapstick lesbian, stone butch, Boi, Futch – and the list goes on.
Typical Lesbian Cliche Number 5:
Lesbians Can’t Have Sex
Woah there my friend, what’s that now? I can’t count the amount of people that have sat and quite bluntly asked me ‘What counts as “Lesbian sex” then? Because, I mean, you obviously CAN’T have sex.. it’s just foreplay isn’t it.’ Sounds like the most boring thing in the world to me, i can do that all by myself darling, do you really think that mutual masturbation is all that we can come up with? Oh please. Lesbian’s most certainly DO have sex. Oh and, while i’m at it, we also don’t just strap one on and pretend to be a straight couple all night long either.
I’m not going to insult your intelligence, sit here and dispute them all, of course not. Sure, there are Lesbians that wear boxers, that move way too fast and sport the ‘Butch’ look. I am simply letting you know that we are not all clones, we are every bit as varied as any straight person you’ll ever meet. Nobody is defined by their sexuality, and nobody that hasn’t explored said sexuality can possibly know what goes on when living their lifestyle. I hope i’ve given you some things to ponder about.. Naughty. Here’s a little Video you should all watch, should you wish to know more but also, mainly because it’s just hilarious - Lesbian Cliche Song
Fleeting, falling but never ending.
Fleeting romances. We’ve all had them. We’ve all played a part in, or been a victim of, the fleeting.
These whirlwind romances serve to be the most thrilling, heart aching and devastating of all, and
yet we know we won’t resist if another presents it’s tempting little head.
Now there are, i believe, three types of fleeting romances and these are as follows:
1) A romance that takes your breath away, leads you into thinking ‘This could be it! The one!’ only to find out that you were the only player in this game of fools and, alas, they flee.
2) The opposite, a romance that you so truly want to believe in, god knows you’re attracted to the person or maybe there’s just something about them. You give it a go and you have fun with it, but in the end you know it’s not for you, So you flee.
3) The romance that comes in two parts but with the same point:
i) You both feel it, you both crave it, you both live for it and don’t see how it could ever not be. The romances that, for some reason, just can’t be. Whether it be distance or circumstance, It must be mutually fled from. *Insert sad face here*
ii) You both want it and enjoy it, it’s thrilling and heart-warming but never meant to be more than a fling.
The overall rule being, of course, that they are all brief.
I have been.. Unfortunate? No, I don’t believe that is the correct term, for romance in any state is a beautiful thing. I have been.. oh, we’ll let you decide what fits in here, like when you get to decide what happens at the end of a movie, ooh! How exciting! Anyway.. back to the point. I have been *blank* to experience all 3, as i see them and, although being inlove and in a steady relationship is lovely, it seems to always be the, as i call them, ‘fleeters’ that stick in your mind, especially the heartbreaking number 3. Wouldn’t you agree? Perhaps it’s because they are more interesting, more ‘Novel worthy’ yes, i think that’s it.
Now romance number one was a standard ‘boy meets girl, girl falls for boy, boy just wants to get his end in’ story. Except we had known each other for 6 years previous, we went to the same secondary school see, he was prom king, I was the dark girl that wrote poetry and listened to MCR. (They weren’t considered ‘popular music’ back then.) Anyway, i blossomed, he showed an interest, we whirled, i fell, he fled. End of story.
Romance number two is, of course, a very different story for i played the part of the ‘flee-er’ think i just made up another word there? On a roll. So romance number 2 began rather recently, Christmas eve just gone in fact. A beautiful girl, the essence of ‘Shane McCutcheon’ pouring from her and engulfing the room. I had seen her and spoken to her before, we knew we found each other attractive, but the first night I’d hung out with her she ditched me for a massively hot, siren-like pole dancer (Honest to god!) but this night i had her full attention because it was her that wanted to see me. We sat, we drank (not alone at any point i might add although we may as well have been for noone else mattered) and just soaked in everything we loved about each other until we became dizzy. I thought this would be it for me for sure, this girl was everything I’d dreamed of, i even thought about how comfortable I’d be introducing her to my parents.
The night ended in many kisses, a naughty fumble in the back of a taxi and an open invitation for a relationship from her lovely lips. But, after that night, i never really felt the same for her again. It was like I’d achieved what i wanted, the most unobtainable and alarmingly attractive girl in our parts, and that was enough for me. Terribly selfish i know, i tried, god knows i tried because I knew what i felt that night was real, and i longed so much for it to happen, but the heart never lies, and my heart just wasn’t in it. I still fancy that girl today, i still think of her, i see her out and want nothing more than to take her home. (I did recently, big mistake, selfish mistake.) But i will never regret it happening. She captured a little of my heart, not quite enough, but that little bit will always be hers.
And then number 3 shows it’s pretty little face. The first girl to hold my heart. This romance was very fleeting, one day and one night in fact. The night that it all happened. Now, the first thing i must point out about this girl is that she is by all means straight, with the acceptance of this here story. I fell for this girl the first time i kissed her at the tender age of 14, a dare ofcourse, that ended in us kissing a few more times through sheer enjoyment. I hadn’t really seen her since and had forgotten about it until the night i saw her again and she drunkenly pushed me up against a pool table and whacked one on me. This was nothing more than an innocent ‘Hello, I’m drunk and want a smooch and i KNOW you’ll kiss me’ sort of thing.. but it developed into much more.
I had my first lesbian sexual experience that night. And it was awesome. We slept in each others arms and spent the next day together but it was made very clear that we couldn’t be together, she was straight by society. She’d never felt anything for a girl before and, although she enjoyed it (believe me.) we decided to just call it fun, beautiful and unforgettable and fleeing we did do. We still exchange a kiss, smile and talk when we see each other now.
Well my point to all of this is that even the most fleeting of romances are worth the experience. Romances will tear you apart, drive you insane and make you act a fool, but there will always be another romancer that will put you back together, take the wheel to give you a rest from the drive and make the foolish acts seem worth it again. All love and romances help us to evolve as people, and we wouldn’t be the same without them. So, no matter how bad your fleeting experiences, never give up on finding your fellow fleeter and fleeing from anothers arms right into each others.
Well, wasn’t that uplifting? Now, get on and find some lovely lady company you beautiful people.
Screen-Confidence
‘I do what most lesbians do, stare at women hungrily and pray that somebody else will make the first move.’
I find that quote is all too relevant in my sorry little, pathetic excuse for a love life. Why do we find it so hard to simply approach a beautiful, smooth, sweet-scented woman? Well, therein lies your answer! They ARE beautiful, they ARE (I certainly hope) smooth and they all smell so sweet, in what dimension would they want a dewy-eyed desperado like me strolling over to them and slowly stuttering out a simple ‘hello.’ ? And that’s not the only problem, we find ourselves under huge amounts of pressure to make a good impression: ‘Is my hair okay?’ ‘Does my breath smell?’ ‘Oh god! I wish I’d changed out of my work clothes!’ And, for some reason, even when simply asking a girl to join us for a drink (which, I think, is a rather good gesture in itself, no?) we are made to, and indeed make ourselves, feel like bloody massive perverts! It’s as if we’d wandered over to a woman and asked if she’d like a quick, dirty fumble in the toilets, ‘You won’t regret it lass, I promise ’. There MUST be a way around it.. a way to start a conversation with someone and not feel like your going to trip over your own shoelaces and flat on to your bright red, blushing face in the mean time!
What’s that you say? There is?! – Yes! Fear not my beautiful ladies – for this is where online dating comes in! Yes, it’s true. There IS such a beautiful world where you don’t have to worry that you’re wearing your, less than flattering, work clothes. Nor that you may stutter out an accidental insult on how short her skirt is and get a glass full of whiskey thrown in your face. You could be wearing your battered old dressing gown and eating corn flakes for the third consecutive day for all that matters. The welcoming world of cyber dating means we can be ourselves, comfortably, in our own environment and not risk the possible humiliation of ‘God your frightful, please restrain from ogling my breasts!’ Come on! Just me? If you say so.
However, from online dating, it has become very apparent to me that most women feel this way. We’re all shy and insecure in one way or another, whether it be that we hide behind layers of make-up, wear a low cut top to take the attention away from our gaping nose, or simply sit in the corner avoiding all attention – we could all do with a bit of safe, cyber interaction to give our nerves a rest and actually enjoy a conversation without the added pressure.
I know what you’re thinking, ‘Dating sites are full of perves!’ and while not disputing that I indulge in the occasional ‘perving’ activity (who doesn’t) I can safely say that you can put your mind at
ease on that one. I have become acquainted with some of the loveliest people through dating sites and chat rooms,and even know couples that have met through them and are still going strong today. I mean, sure there is the occasional person that wants to ‘see your bountiful breasts in action’ etc.. but don’t tell me you don’t enjoy that just as much as I do? It’s nice to have a bit of excitement and complimentary banter every now and then, give it a go, you may surprise yourself!
I like to think that perhaps even, one day, I may get the confidence to approach a beautiful woman in person, without 10 JD and cokes in my system, and be successful in doing so. But, for now, there’s always my trusty online dating sites, and the beautifully fascinating women that inhabit them to keep this hopeless lady-lover company.
‘Oh, sorry, is there something in my teeth?!’
‘Oh, believe me, nobody is interested in dating me either, but these fears just serve to keep me from even trying.‘
So, i have a question. Why are we never satisfied with the way we look?
A simple enough question, yet noone can really answer it.
I know there’s that age-old saying ‘How can you ever expect someone to lo
ve you if you can’t love yourself?’ And, yes, i agree with this to some extent but it simply can’t be helped. However i do find it rather silly that I worry about such things when i find near to ALL human beings ever so attractive – throw someone in to my life equation and I will find SOMETHING that makes me want to jump their bones that instant. The world is a beautiful place really, and who’s to say I can’t fit in to that glorious mass of beauty? I am, And therein lies the problem.
Too many people think like this, and it quite upsets me, i find myself wanting to shout at my friends ‘There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with your bum/face/stomach! It is so perfect i can’t even begin to explain! And i would KILL for it!’ And so on and so forth. Where does it end? In love i suppose, that comfort of knowing that person will love you even if you eat the whole cake or decide not to put your make-up on this morning. So, i guess putting myself out there and dating is the only solution? But then the confidence issue kicks in again.. What do i wear? Should i just order a salad so they don’t think i’m a heffer? Should i wax every single hair from my body incase something happens?! Even with online dating, when you become so comfortable with each other, when you discover you have so much in common and finally decide ‘Nothing can go wrong here, i think you’re amazing, let’s meet up!’ Oh, the excitement! But we still find ourselves going through the normal, panicing routine – ‘Will they still like me in person? I said i was 9st2 on my profile! I’m 9st4! Perhaps this isn’t such a good idea.’ This, in my case, has always resulted in me declining any and all offers of dates, Becoming too scared and making up excuses. I wonder why people chase me when I am constantly running.
These are just some of the typical things i fear will go wrong if i embark on a date:
- I spill food down me, or get it in my teeth or on my face,
- I don’t NOTICE this spillage/new addition to my teeth and go the whole night looking a complete mess.
- I fall flat on my face whilst in their company or sight of vision
- I say something utterly stupid or accidentally insulting.
- I hate them/ they hate me.
- My credit card gets declined whilst attempting to be all sweet and pay for dinner.
Now, I know i’m not alone in thinking like this, so, you see it really is a problem, how much we worry about these things. You wouldn’t never enter the sea for fear of being stung by a jellyfish or never try a piece of chocolate incase you’re allergic, so why say no to a simple date through fear that your own fears of yourself will get in the way? Remember, it is not what you think of yourself that really matters in these situations, but rather who you really are, and, believe me, you are wonderful – and if you don’t think so, why not come on a date with me? I’m sure i can convince you otherwise with my fanciful ways.
So, fellow love-lusters, it is time to slow the pace, to let someone finally catch us, to give them a chance – even if it does result in us running, even faster, in the opposite direction. Let’s meet up with the gorgeous girl we’ve been chatting to so often online. Let’s accept the offer of a date from the stunning girl at the end of the bar. Let’s finally hang up our running shoes, dive into that big slice of chocolate cake and throw the constant buggery of self-loathing out the door, even if only for a little while.
Who’s with me?
