This is Your Life speaking; You have no idea what you’re doing do you?

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of love: “Avoid, if at all possible.”

I seemed to have developed this unruly disease that goes by the name of Commitmentphobia, or in my own term ‘Runs-away-screaming-as-soon-as-anyone-gets-too-close-for-comfort. Yes, I agree my expression is a little more long winded, but I’m all about the imagery and it works for me.

It’s utterly stupid and juvenile. I seem to thrive upon Unrequited Love, I could love you forever if only I could never have you. Maddened, titillated and passionate I’ll go to the ends of the earth and free fall off into the deepest depths of a never shared love. Poetry and prose run bountifully from my fingertips, Mumford & Sons and Bon Iver will play dutifully into the night… Until that irritating moment when you turn around and say; “Actually, you’re lovely. Do you want to go on a date?” and ruin my whole melancholy, broken artist in love look. I’ve never actually been on a date.

Although, I feel as though I do have to add this otherwise you’re all going to think I’m some sort of blood sucking vampire bitch, because this is honestly not the case. When I am in this broken-hearted stupor I truly feel like I would die if you never held me in your arms. I would do anything for you, I become some sort of dogsbody (no jokes) and walk miles just to see you. But as suddenly as I fell I will stand up at the sound of ‘Official’ and remark “Whooph! Lucky I wore my hobnail boots and helmet eh!” and waltz off into the middle distance leaving behind another wretched mess.

Thus, me endlessly alone wondering why I’m still a dating virgin. Pretty obvious really is it not, you bloody fool? Stop being a total fuck up, look fear in the eye and just let yourself be loved. Let someone know you just as much as you want to know them.  The annoying thing is I say that and cry because I want it so much, but as soon as some beautiful, talented, kind human being taps me on the shoulder and asks for a relationship I seem to crumble into a frightened heap. It’s all well and good scouring dating sites to look at all the pretty ladies, laughing at their bios and thinking ”Shall I talk to them?”. But then the thought of actually meeting up with them on a ‘date’ and showing how insecure and terrified I am makes me prematurely cringe.

I’d do one of two things on a date; 1) Behave like an arrogant idiot in the hopes of masking my shaking boots, continuously thinking ‘Stop being a prick’ therefore not really listening either. Or 2) Awkwardly kind of half look at them and glow like a belisha beacon whilst timidly trying to take a sip of my Gin&Tonic, cracking it against my teeth in the most un-sexy way possible. I find it so hard to be, well, just be. I always grab the nearest packet of Crayola and scribble ruthlessly upon every single page in my book, making me incredibly hard to read.

All I really want to say is ‘Please love me. Please don’t judge me. Please just take me in your arms and tell me it’ll all be alright.’
Well, perhaps not on a first date, I think I would probably be asking for someone to sidle hurriedly to ‘the loo’ and leg it out of the door.
So, from today I’m going to actively try to remedy my issues and wholeheartedly throw myself into the fiery waters that is Love.
And stop being such a pansy.