You’re gay? I don’t believe you.
So, after spending plenty of time scraping the metaphorical barrel in my small town, for beautiful lesbiansexuals, I excitedly searched further afield. I ventured out to the next biggest town, with my token gay male friend, filled with the expectations and hopes so high I could have wee’d with the anxiety.
I had not been in the dingy so-called Gay Bar an hour; and I had already been rejected by the only straight girl in there, almost punched in the face by a psychotic who was convinced I was trying to get with her girlfriend, oh and been shunned by someone else because they refused to believe I liked women.
Now, what else could I have possibly done? What is it that you lesbians want from me? Must I shave my head and wear men’s underwear to be considered a lesbianacle? Really? Really? Had I not been very new lady lover I wouldn’t have really cared. However, I was, I was overcome with the sense of shaving my head and wearing baggy chino’s. So much so I kind of lost who I was myself. I became rather wrapped up in looking like lesbian, talking like one and acting like one, basically trying to recreate an L Word-Shane-like-exterior.
Then, it suddenly hit me; like a wall of self-loathing, I look like a right douche. I do not look like a mysterious mess of a lesbian, what I actually in fact look like, is an over-sized mafia dyke-Not the look I was aiming for.
My hair will just not fall in the right places, to make this wispy fringe that hides my mental eyes, my hips are not like a small boys; they do not jut out, they are in fact good old fashioned child bearing hips (thanks a bunch Mom), and my boobs are not able to look attractive unsupported.
However, now I have grown up slightly (only in age, not in maturity levels, I assure you), I have accepted the fact that I will never achieve the look of Shane McKutchin. And instead have absorbed the idea of wearing random pretty little charity shop dresses and the odd black vest, however; I will admit sometimes the baggy jeans creep out of the closet. Don’t judge me!
After the huge disaster that was not even being able to pull in a gay bar, I have resorted to heavy breathing and pining over women on dating sites. The almost anonymous world of dating, where you can pretend your thinner than you are, attempt to convince people your ever so unique and creative, and spend hours traipsing over profiles until you find one you like; but you are so intimidated by their photogenic beauty, that you just sit and dribble, and make no intention to message. Then in turn, get thoroughly depressed about how unattractive you are, and cry to you cats. Ok, just me then?
So, how is the whole experience treating me? Well, dating online has definitely been an interesting one. I actually met my last girlfriend online. I messaged her something highly creative like ‘Your eyes are massive. Well done.’ And for some mad reason she replied, maybe she felt sorry for me. SO, after a few casual messages, she told me where she was from; a small village in Worcestershire. I can only say I was gob-smacked when she told me, because I was from that same tiny little excuse for a village.
And there was me thinking I was the only gay in the village!
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I really like this post. Dating for me has been a bit of a non-event, but what really stood out for me is how many new-lesbians I’ve been set up with who seemed to feel the pressure to fit into the dyke image. Including one girl who had been absolutely stunning until she felt the need to hack off all her hair and wear her brothers hand-me-downs.
So, while it may offend the few true-dykes out there (who tend to look very good as a dyke, probably because they’re very comfortable with the image they project as one), I fall back on my favourite saying.
“If I wanted to date someone who looked like a guy, I’d be straight.”
All that said, I was introduced to a lass this summer who was an absolute stunner and who I was informed had RECENTLY BROKEN UP WITH HER GIRLFRIEND. And it STILL took me all my time to string coherant sentances together! Oh, for the ability to just go over and say “Did you realise you’re the hottest thing in this room? Oh, and would you like to go out with me? Please?”
September 15, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Very true Elle!
I very much agree with that saying…
Did you end up getting a date with that chick?
x
September 16, 2011 at 3:50 pm
There was no feeling sorry for you, she just thought you were beautiful albeit slightly ‘menthol’…
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WordPress.
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